I am a porn director and erotica writer who was constantly surrounded by cumshots, gangbangs, and brutal sex. Find out how erotica and porn killed my sex drive.
Porn has been a sensitive topic ever since it hit the mainstream. Countless arguments or studies claim that it can have several damaging effects. While it can impact every individual differently, I’ll tell you about how it actually affects people who are on the other side of the camera.
I am a porn director and an erotica writer who has spent many years on adult movie sets. While many guys would think that this is a dream job, it became toxic for me. It affected my sex life. However, I’m not writing this to scare you away from porn forever. In fact, there’s also a positive side to consider. How erotica can be great for your mental health is a topic often overlooked, highlighting that erotica, when consumed mindfully, can enhance imagination, reduce stress, and foster a healthier attitude toward sex. You could view my confession as a warning sign, especially if you work in the industry or have an excessive porn or masturbation habit. Let me tell you about how erotica and porn killed my sex drive.
How it all started
Ten years ago, I got my start in the adult movie industry after brief stints of writing short-form erotica for magazines. After several months of looking for writing gigs, I jokingly applied for a job at one of the biggest porn companies. Surprisingly, the employer liked my work. He signed me up as a screenwriter.
Of course, I was really excited about that. Right after I got the call, I learned everything I could about what goes on behind the scenes of adult movies.
My first project was a fetish/gangbang scene with a famous female performer and three guys. That first project made me realize that porn is definitely not as easy as it looks. The process of making it is similar to any other movie. I ended up writing each week, and I covered pretty much every category. Some of my best work was for movies with MILFs, threesomes, boss/employee scenes, BDSM, and similar. I also didn’t neglect my passion for writing and reading erotica and wrote some novels as a side job.
For a year, I thoroughly enjoyed my work. Yet, I wanted to make my way up. It wasn’t long before I became a director. This was an even bigger task since I had to physically be on the set for every movie.
My work demands detail
So what happens when you direct a porn movie? Well, as a director, you have to be incredibly detailed. That includes things like developing a concept of how the characters would fit into the story. I think of it as an action movie but with lots of sex that replaces high octane fight scenes.
One aspect of my job is to think about how to film the performers. Plus, I need to help them portray real sex on the screen. This means I have to think about what the performers are doing for foreplay and which positions they are going to use. Moreover, I have to pay a lot of attention to how they actually fuck and for how long.
For 20 to 30 minutes of footage, the shoot can actually last up to ten days. During those ten days, I’d be in the middle of all of it. This means that I was constantly seeing sex play out in front of me. Being exposed to massive cocks, hardcore anal sex, big cumshots, and many other sexual activities took a huge toll. Ultimately, my job affected my sexual desire. Doing it with my partner felt more like a chore now instead of a fun and pleasurable experience.
To find some escape, I even started exploring the best horse dildos for a wild fantasy adventure. But even then, the constant exposure to extreme and staged sexual encounters left me desensitized, making real-life intimacy feel less exciting.
The sensation began to subside
If you’re exposed to seeing people fuck in front of you in the long term, there’s a big chance that you’ll become desensitized to sex in real life. I experienced exactly that. I have witnessed so many different and often brutal acts, like fisting. This simply made me lose interest in the bedroom. Sex didn’t feel good anymore. At first, I tried to talk about sex with my partner. I tried to get them to experiment and try some of the things that I directed. This was arousing for a while, but over time, sex started feeling incredibly strange to me.
I experienced some problems with arousal and my sex drive. I simply couldn’t get excited enough during sex. What’s more, I even had to fake my orgasms a few times. It didn’t take long until my partner broke up with me. The main culprits were my work and my lack of interest in real-life sex.
It’s quitting time
Finally, I had had enough of it all. I realized that if I didn’t quit right away, my work would kill me. Sure, porn is a lucrative industry. However, it wasn’t about the cash for me anymore. I simply lost touch with life and relationships, and this needed to stop.
At first, I became incredibly worried. I thought that it was too late for me. Then, I talked to some colleagues, and many of them said that they were dealing with the same issues. This job is definitely not for everyone. Only a select few can do it without serious real-life consequences. So I quit the industry and took some time for myself.
Additionally, I enrolled in therapy. This helped me a lot. I was able to talk to my therapist about everything that I experienced. I am still trying to make a conscious effort to forget about my days in the porn industry. Hopefully, someday, my sex drive will come back.
Summary
Like I said, I wanted to share my story to warn you about some of the pitfalls of porn. It’s not a big deal if you watch porn every once in a while, but if you’re exposed to it for multiple hours per day, try to slow down. If you feel that your porn habits are interfering with your daily life, it may be best to talk to a therapist as soon as possible.
